Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A House of Love

Things have been really hard around here. There's been an elevation of stress and tension in our house because of all the hard things going on. Micah has all these deadlines to meet for school, so he has been banging away at papers and assignments almost non-stop for the past two weeks. He needs to meet these deadlines so he can start his student teaching in Jan 2010. This is so he won't have to keep working this job that takes him away from us most of the week.

So while Micah needs room for concentrating, and writing, I have been taking the boys on outings to fill up the days away from home. I have been feeling burnt out and tired from the constant pressure to keep them away from their dad, who is normally always present, and playing with his boys.
Plus, our house won't sell, our tenants are moving out, I can't find new tenants, and we are going into debt. To top things off my tenant calls to say they have a peeping tom, and I woke up with nightmares last night about a man attacking me through my window. (It was scary)

Yesterday I just about had enough of it all, and went into our room. I lied on the bed and wanted to cry. I thought maybe a good cry would help alleviate some stress. I really wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. I even tried thinking about all the above mentioned things really hard and the tears still wouldn't come. Why am I not crying? I want to cry!

Then a thought occurred to me that there was too much love to cry. I looked out at my boys and I felt an overwhelming amount of love for them; the kind that would allow me to do anything for them; anything in the world that was needed. I felt so much love that I knew I couldn't cry. Then I looked over at Micah and love spilled over me again, for this amazing father and husband who would do anything for his families' happiness.

We may be going through these hard things, but we have so much love in our little family that it transcends everything else. Love makes it possible to make it through, even when it feels like you just can't. I couldn't cry yesterday because I just wanted
to keep going and love. I am grateful for love. It is the foundation of everything good.

Then I was reminded of my favorite scripture:

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer,a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;
that your incomings may be in the name of the Lord, that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord, that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the most high.

Doctrine and Covenants 109:8,9

My love comes from establishing a house of love from God. He really is the foundation of everything good.

Monday, March 23, 2009


Mom, Can I have an apple?

Yes sweetie.

Mom, can I have an apple?

Of course, help yourself.

Mom, can I have an apple?

You don't have to ask silly!

Mom, can I have an apple?

They're on the table sweetie pie!

Mom, can I have an apple?

Of course you......wait a second!--What the crap? You mean...??? ZADOK!!! No more apples until you finish the ones you started! Geeez whiz! Who is your mother??

You are. I love you Mommeeeeeeeee!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sweaty T-Shirts

A few of my buddies talked me into joining the track team after school in 9th grade. Since I had nothing else going on I said, "Sure. What's track?"

I soon found out it was running. A lot of running.

We were running every day after school, and for many, many miles at a time. At first I thought I would die, but soon I was keeping up with the fastest of us. We had this particular route around the golf course across the street from our high school. It was a small golf course bordering the ocean. I remember sprinting and panting up the sides of this hill, climbing higher and higher through dirt and sand pits. At the top was a spectacular view of the sea; teal blue, deep, and breathtaking.

I smelled like sweaty t-shirt and salt air, and I can still remember that smell. To me, it was a liberating smell. It was a smell that made me feel free and happy; a lackadaisical sort of high, that stayed with me all the rest of the day. I had discovered that I LOVED running.

I like to know what makes people feel free. I want to know what invigorates you, what causes your heart to beat, your adrenaline to pump, and your soul to ignite. I want to know what makes you happy, and what makes you laugh so hard you could pee your pants. I want to know what your eyes have seen that made you so glad to be alive today.

I like to breathe in the smell of a sweaty t-shirt and just run.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Marching Fourth

I met this newlywed couple when I was going to college in Provo several years back.
They told me that they chose to get married on March Fourth so they could always remember they were "marching forth" to a new life together. Get it? March forth? Yah-cheesy. Those were my thoughts exactly.
However, I haven't forgotten it, and every year when March rolls around I chuckle to myself that I am "Marching Forth" on March the fourth.

This past week the deed to our land came in the mail. I opened it with excitement. I couldn't wait to see our names printed as the new owners of our very own LAND! I looked down anxiously to discover that it was officially notorized and signed over to us on........March the Fourth. Marching forth. Yes, we are marching forth.

I chuckled to myself.

Suddenly I looked down at that white paper in my hands and could feel our land between my fingers; gripping the Earth and not wanting to let go. I could see the sage bushes, the juniper trees, the dust and dirt, untouched and barren. I could smell the desert air and feel the dryness of the land in my lungs. I saw eagles flying, nesting in trees, and Jack rabbits hopping endlessly. I saw the sunrise from a home on a hill overlooking blue and red mountains. I saw our children learning and growing in peace and love. I saw two parents sitting on the porch laughing and growing old together. I saw a family who had worked long and hard hours, digging and building, and sacrificing, to build a dream. I saw an old Mama sitting under a tree relaxing and breathing it all in, watching grandchildren play on my old land.

Yes, I am marching forth!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dance Magic Dance

If you enjoyed David Bowie in "Labrynth", you might also enjoy Zadok performing "Dance Magic Dance"! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR AMAZING SON, who's energy and charisma is contageous!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Sweet Suckling Babe

My sweet suckling baby. You need me as much as I need you. I hear you squirm and yell out in the night and I am right next to you. I scootch over to you and hold you tight, and help you find your way to comfort. You relax immediately in my arms and melt into my breast. I get to hold you all night like that If I want to because you are always there. And I am always here for you.

I have been memorizing the lines of your face and how they have changed. From my viewpoint you have molded into me, yet grown away into yourself at the same time. You started out small, smelling of my milk and sweetness all the time. Now you are big and bulky, with great chubby cheeks and teeth! But that doesn't change a thing. We still need each like the first day you came to me.

You are turning one this month and that means we have known each other a long time. I haven't missed a day away from you. Some days I"ve felt overwhelmed or burned out, and blamed you. Yet you are also the only cure. When I lie down next to my suckling babe, everything else goes away. I am flooded with nurturing hormones, designed to love and enjoy you. It's the way God planned it.

I need you just like you need me, my sweet suckling baby.
Let's go to bed, it's getting late.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Miss You, Hawaii

I miss you, Hawaii. I miss so many things about you, and some days my heart is just really full of heartache and love for you. Some days I miss you so much it hurts to be away. Some days I try so hard to push out thoughts of you, but you keep coming back into my head. Maybe instead of blocking you out today I will write about you instead.

I miss sitting on the beach at dusk and waiting for the sun to set; for something red, orange and beautiful to transpire before my eyes. I miss the warmth of the sun on my face as I lay lazily in the sand. I miss running and diving into the water, watching my shadow swim below me in your crystal blue seas.
I miss the way the water sparkles and glows beneath the sunshine. I miss swimming out beyond your reefs and looking down at vast blue darkness. I miss waiting for dolphins to join me, then laughing at their dances. I miss the company of your fish. Colorful, magnificent, cute, little fish! I miss the way your Sea Turtles always snuck up behind me and scared me senseless in their silence. I miss swimming in your coves, holding my breath through your underwater caves. I miss diving for hours for sea shells in your reefs, after the calm of a big swell. I miss surfing. Oh how I miss surfing! I miss being out in the ocean for hours and breathing in freedom..... The smell, the sights, the sounds of your ocean, an easy escape for me. I miss the way the ocean could heal me from illness, and heartache.
I miss hiking in your jungles, and swimming in your waterfalls. I miss the rain. Yes, I even miss the rain. I miss eating mango, avocado, guava, and papaya from your trees. I miss the smell of my favorite flower, the Plumeria, blossoming in Spring. I miss stringing leis for friends and wearing leis on special occasions. I miss bonfires on your beach, with friends and loved ones. I miss sleeping in your sand and waking up to the sound of waves crashing. Those make the best dreams....
I miss being warm. I miss wearing pareos every day. I miss wearing a plumeria behind my ear just because. I miss Jah-waiian music, even if it gets annoying and overplayed on the radio. I miss real luaus, real Poly food, and real hula dancing. I miss speaking pidgin.
I miss those mornings when I woke up early and I was the only one on your beach. I watched the sun rise, I smelled the early ocean breezes, I jumped into your warm water, I found a few sea-shell treasures, and I came home ready to start the day. Refreshed, rejuvenated, and alive.

I miss you like a dear friend. Sometimes I ask myself, "How can I be a whole person here, when a piece of my heart is three thousand miles away?"

I guess missing you is a part of my life that isn't missing, if that makes any sense..

Kahuku grad, 1997

Top 2 pictures : 1. Waimea Bay where we grew up around the corner. 2. Three tables--the beach in front of my families house where I swam daily. :)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Birthing Babies

I sent in our birth story (see end) to Orgasmic birth and they have informed me that it is being considered for possible publishing in their upcoming book. I was thrilled! I really enjoy reading birth stories; stories of triumph, empowerment, and happy endings. Although not everyone gets to have the birth they plan, due to unavoidable medical problems, I believe that it is the planning part that is most important. --Because in the end you knew your choices and you knew that you did everything in
your power to have this baby your way.
Knowing your body, your baby, and the natural process of birth is the most important thing you can ever do for yourself. You get one shot at having this baby. Why not make it the most amazing, most incredible, most empowering moment of your life? Why not make it natural, healthy, and real? Why not?

I hear complaints from new mom's all the time who say," I didn't know the doctor was going to strip my membranes!" "I didn't know epidurals can cause permanent nerve damage!" I didn't know that putting birth drugs in my body could affect my baby." I didn't know that popping my bag of waters can cause infection!" I didn't know labor inducing drugs like pitocin could up my chances for a Cesarean!" I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't know........

My husband and I took the Bradley method of Natural Childbirth classes with our first baby, which was an eye-opening experience for me. It's not like I got pregnant and knew exactly what to do!The biggest thing I learned is that no matter what you choose, choose for yourself. Get educated, don't be afraid to tell your doctor what you feel is right for you, write up a birth plan, know your stuff, follow your instincts.

I loved these resources and recommend them to anyone planning on birthing a baby:

Birthing Books
Natural Birth the Bradley Way
Birthing from Within
Ina May's Guide to Natural Childbirth
Anything by Sheila Kitzinger


The Business of being Born
Orgasmic Birth
Birth Into Being
Born In Water

Our birth experience
, if your interested in reading.

Happy Birthing!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Cracker Whacker Game

Everyone tie a string around your waist. Tie a saltine cracker to the string. Let the saltine cracker hang down on your bum. Everyone roll up a newspaper, run around madly, and try to whack a cracker. The last person with a totally intact cracker WINS.

My cracker is not intact. My cracker got whacked. But I'd say I am a pretty good cracker whacker. Let's play another round sometime. I bout died laughing and so did those girls.

I like my church job. Not Cracker Whacker extraordinaire, but Achievement Days Leader for primary girls ages 8-11. I get to use what I learned in college as a recreation major; basically having fun and planning games. I don't get paid, but it sure is worth it to see a bunch of kids laugh.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


About friends

I've always loved having friends. Ever since I was a little girl I always had a million friends. I remember my birthday party in the 3rd grade and my mom making a comment about how I had to invite my whole class because I didn't want anyone left out. I think there were like 25 kids there.
I've thought about if this need for lots of friends is a security thing; like maybe having this big, warm, blanket of friends makes me feel loved, wanted, and secure in my life. Or maybe my need for lots of friends is just the way I am. I mean, I like people, and I like talking, laughing and conversing with people. So why not with lots of unique an diverse friends? Or maybe I need lots friends because I like it when my phone rings and it's someone saying,"Hey Sally, we're having waffles for breakfast-come on over!"
Or maybe I need friends because I believe with all my heart that each person I meet brings something special into my life. There has to be something to learn from everyone, and I truly believe that each friend I have has taught me something important about life. But my most obvious reason for friends is that I find so many good things in the people I meet, it's hard not to call them my friends.

So I was thinking these thoughts about me and friends:

I like having friends.
I like having good friends, too. (You know the kind where you can go to their house, eat all there food, take a crap in their toilet, and leave a note saying you were there.)
I like hanging out with friends, doing nothing, and watching our kids play.
I keep in touch with friends through many modes of technology. Email, phone calls, text messaging, Facebook, snail mail. Sometimes even ESP.
I like to make things, cook things, sew things, send things,and do things for friends.
I regretfully admit to losing a friend and not knowing what to say or do about it.
I admit to making too many friends in the past,and not having time to hang out with all of them.
I admit to playing cupid with friends. You know, "I love this friend so much, I think you will love her, too. Let's set up a date and have you meet."
I admit to being overly eager to make a new friend, then finding out really soon that it was a bad match, then backing down slowly so as not to seem rude and distant all of a sudden.
I admit that at times I have been a bad friend, a flaky friend, a jealous friend, a snobby friend, and a psycho friend. I hope people can see through my mortal weaknesses
I won't be offended if someone doesn't want to be my friend. (well, not TOO offended.)

Some people call their husbands their best friends. That never felt right to me. A best friend is someone who loves you unconditionally. My husband loves me unconditionally, yet also has to smell my breath in the morning, live with me while I'm pregnant, and cuddle me to sleep at night. My husband is my soul mate.

I've always had more girl friends than guy friends.
I've always liked having a "group" of friends, but have found as I get older that you don't need a group, just several good ones you can trust.
I rely on friends to be my family substitutes, especially since I haven't lived near my family in 8 years or so.
I have friends with different ideas about politics, religion, parenting, fashion, and sexual preferences. I expect them to still like me, too.
I find value in friends who are honest, caring, and have good ethics.
I make friends wherever I move and then have a really hard time leaving.
My family are my friends.
I think having good girlfriends is a vital necessity in life.

If you are my friend and you are reading this something magical will happen in 10 seconds.Just wait and you will see. Unbelievable. Don't delete this, you won't believe it.
Just kidding. It was just starting to sound like a cheesy email.
Well, those are my thoughts on friends.