Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A House of Love

Things have been really hard around here. There's been an elevation of stress and tension in our house because of all the hard things going on. Micah has all these deadlines to meet for school, so he has been banging away at papers and assignments almost non-stop for the past two weeks. He needs to meet these deadlines so he can start his student teaching in Jan 2010. This is so he won't have to keep working this job that takes him away from us most of the week.

So while Micah needs room for concentrating, and writing, I have been taking the boys on outings to fill up the days away from home. I have been feeling burnt out and tired from the constant pressure to keep them away from their dad, who is normally always present, and playing with his boys.
Plus, our house won't sell, our tenants are moving out, I can't find new tenants, and we are going into debt. To top things off my tenant calls to say they have a peeping tom, and I woke up with nightmares last night about a man attacking me through my window. (It was scary)

Yesterday I just about had enough of it all, and went into our room. I lied on the bed and wanted to cry. I thought maybe a good cry would help alleviate some stress. I really wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. I even tried thinking about all the above mentioned things really hard and the tears still wouldn't come. Why am I not crying? I want to cry!

Then a thought occurred to me that there was too much love to cry. I looked out at my boys and I felt an overwhelming amount of love for them; the kind that would allow me to do anything for them; anything in the world that was needed. I felt so much love that I knew I couldn't cry. Then I looked over at Micah and love spilled over me again, for this amazing father and husband who would do anything for his families' happiness.

We may be going through these hard things, but we have so much love in our little family that it transcends everything else. Love makes it possible to make it through, even when it feels like you just can't. I couldn't cry yesterday because I just wanted
to keep going and love. I am grateful for love. It is the foundation of everything good.

Then I was reminded of my favorite scripture:

Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer,a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God;
that your incomings may be in the name of the Lord, that your outgoings may be in the name of the Lord, that all your salutations may be in the name of the Lord, with uplifted hands unto the most high.

Doctrine and Covenants 109:8,9

My love comes from establishing a house of love from God. He really is the foundation of everything good.


Trish&Heath said...

Sally- When I read the part about your tenet, it made me kinda mad..what can you do about a peeping tom, they should call the police, not a landlord that lives a hundred miles away.. Anyway..maybe they did that too, I don't know, but have you tried putting your house up for sale and rent on Craigs list? You can have interested parties fill out an application and you can interview them so you feel like you know them pretty well before you decide on who lives there...

Zen Mama said...

Sally, thank you for this post. It is exactly how I've been feeling these past months. So stressed, trying so hard to keep the boys away from their dad so he can do what he needs to do for us. I have hardly cried at all in the past six months, and I know it is because, despite our trials, we are so very blessed.

Micah said...

Sally is bitchin!

Melodie said...

I got a shiver when I read this. Sometimes I can't see past the stress to the love. Maybe there are some things we need to work on here as a family so I can. Thanks. This post is really beautiful.

arianne said...

I'm so sorry about all the stress. Your attitude inspires me. When I see your family, I always feel like there's a light. It's inspiring.

Sally Jackson said...

Thanks a lot guys. I think that I've experienced so many despairing feelings in stressful situations that I've grown tired of the helplessness. It seems that even if things aren't going right, at least I should just stay happy. And I do love my little familia. They keep us going, don't they?