We are pregnant. About 6 weeks.
I still can't believe it! A variety of emotions are all happening at once, and some days I am an emotional wreck! I know for certain, though, that when we first took the home pregnancy test, and stood there watching those two little lines appear telling us it was positive, I felt totally and completely overwhelmed with happiness. Micah and I stood there in the kitchen and hugged, and I couldn't help but feel total peace at that moment.
Months leading up to our decision to try having another baby, I kept going back and forth, and back and forth about it. One day I felt so baby hungry, and I knew it was time to try again. Other days I would rejoice in the freedom of having "older" children, and not having the demands of a baby in the house. I was running more, getting in better shape, spending more time reading, catching up on journals and scrapbooks, feeling more at ease with the daily chores, spending more time teaching and playing with the boys, rather than caring for their every needs. It was a good feeling. However, it wouldn't last long. There was another nagging feeling, which was telling me that we really, really needed to have another baby. It was my motherly instincts speaking to me.
I tried to be logical. I thought about how we're out of money, living on student loans, living in the smallest apartment ever, with no bathtub. (You can't be pregnant without a bathtub!) Also, Micah is just finishing up school, we might be moving in 8 months, the baby will be due the week Micah starts his new job, (wherever we are). Furthermore, I can't be pregnant through the cold Winter, without access to fresh, warm air everyday and outdoor exercise! Plus, I am still nursing a 20 mos old baby, and wanted to space it out more so I wouldn't be nursing during my pregnancy again! This list goes on and on!
But deep down there is this calm, that tells me our baby needs to be here. And somehow, it will all work out, because this is the perfect time for the newest member of our family to join us. I'm constantly learning to walk blindly with faith. There will always be big decisions to make, and life-changing paths to take, as we keep following diligently through life's course. What I always need to remember, and what gives me the most strength to make these big decisions, is to always, always know that God will never lead me down a path I can't handle. Even when I feel like I've reached the limit of my capabilities, He knows I can do it. He knows us, loves us, and is always here to help us, especially when we can't see the outcome.
I am excited for this little life growing inside me.
As hard as it seems right now, this baby is very much wanted in our family, and we made the right decision.