Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Looking for a Dream

"Sometimes when you're looking for a dream. you get lost along the way and find another one."

This quote literally jumped out at me as I was walking down the aisle of an office supplies store last night. It was on the cover of a journal and I couldn't help but stand there for several minutes, reading it over and over. It seems to fit exactly how I am feeling right now about moving.

As some already know, Micah finishes school in April and then we apply for jobs. We've been seriously talking about applying for jobs back in Hawaii. When the subject first came up I was so overwhelmed with joy that I cried for hours. It just never occur ed to me that we could make that happen! I had resigned all of our lives to living on the mainland forever, and had already fully envisioned our future plans. I mean it was all perfect: The land, the awesome location, the beautiful desert mountains..raising our kids on a homestead full of animals and gardens........

"But Really?", was the first thought I had. "We could maybe live back in Hawaii? And afford it on your teachers salary? And possibly own a home? And live near the ocean again? And have an eternal summer of beach and sun and sand and surf, and all things seashells and Hawaii culture?" It was like a dream come true to be thinking about moving back to Hawaii again. All those years of suppressing my desire to be back at the ocean were suddenly resurfacing. Oh how I've longed to be back at my beloved ocean! I could suddenly get on FB and look at my friends pictures of beach and surfing, without choking up, because that was going to be us!! I've been counting down the days until I get to be there, imagining myself getting off the plane and being welcomed by the smell of plumerias and jungle rain. Home again!

As we've been knocking down the details of this move, it's been daunting, however, to find that getting a job in Hawaii isn't easy. Because of budget cuts they don't send recruiters to the mainland anymore, and Micah would have to fly there for the interview, if he gets one. Plus, we would be arriving there a month before our babies' due date, and I am worried about finding a house and not having this baby in a tent on the beach. (okay-it wouldn't be that bad...but you know--I need a place to set up my birth tub)
To add to the list, we would be moving on borrowed money, getting rid of almost everything we own, and did I mention I will be 9 months pregnant?

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just stay here--to try a little harder to find a job nearby, even if it means driving a little farther one year to St. George or something, until one opens up closer by.
We've been so blessed in this area, with wonderful friends, neighbors, church callings, many beautiful places to explore and discover, and more to do that hasn't even been done! There are so many things I will miss about this place. It's a beautiful place to raise a family. My heart is torn in two, and sometimes I wonder if this isn't the dream we found along the way.

As I was fervently meditating and praying on this one day I felt a distinct feeling in my heart that the Lord will bless our family, wherever we go. It was the most beautiful, powerful message I've received in a long time, and I was grateful for that loving affirmation.

For me, this means, it's completely up to us (and the department of education) to decide what is best, and what we will do, in the end. I just hope I know what dream to follow.


arianne said...

Sally, I know you'll know what's right when the time comes. Your little family is being led. Can't wait to see what happens!

chelsea mckell said...

Not to be totally selfish here.... but I reallyreally want you to stay put.
Ok, I'm selfish. Though having good friends to visit in paradise would also suit me well...

Cuz it's all about ME.

Sara B said...

oh Sally
what I love about you is your positive attitude! you recognize the brightside, and you choose to to spend your time there!
Sounds like you know that you are being led, but I hope you get to go back to Hawaii! If not this year, one day...
Much love!

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The Estrogen Files said...

Sally, I so hope you get what you both want and need! You are the most awesome mom and person. Congratulations on the new baby and the upcoming end of education!!