I've been meeting a lot of people, since we've been here, that have moved to Hawaii to improve their life circumstances. Things just weren't "working out" for them, they'd say, as I've listened to stories of past relationship troubles, to job troubles, to bad environments, and family issues. But, they continue to tell me, that since coming to Puna everything has "just fallen into place and worked out for the good."
I really like this thought.
And I know it's not Hawaii that magically removes problems, because problems have the potential to follow us everywhere, but I think that if you open your heart to good, positive changes, and go searching for the good changes you need, then yes, the world gives back to you, everything falls into place, and works out. For a lot of people here, Hawaii is synonymous with positive change, which makes this place extra special.
I have met a lot of people lately that are overflowing with this happiness and good energy. I have felt the influence of these people in my soul, and I am grateful for them.
Since I've been here, I have even felt this really happy, positive energy move through me, that I haven't felt for a long time. I've been able to shake off a lot of negative experiences I've had in these past years as we've been trying to figure everything out, and focus on surrounding myself with only goodness. Good people, good surroundings, and the making of good memories! It feels really good to feel truly happy.
In the past I've let stress build up walls of ugliness around me, and I've dug deep holes of negativity where I have sat for days. I've let bad anxiety fill my soul, as I've sat in my dark hole, cursing everyone around me. I was always able to blame my feelings on the freezing snow, or the small apartment, or the lack of support from my husband, as he was always away from us at work.
But since we've been here, I have nowhere to dig a hole when I start feeling bad. I have nowhere and no one to blame my ugly, stressy attitude on, but myself. Since I've been here I have had to look at myself honestly in the face, and say,"I need to make positive changes for the good."
This past week when I started feeling stressed about something, I didn't do the right thing. I took my anger out on someone else in a negative way, which resulted in a huge train wreck of emotions for all parties involved. Although I didn't intend to cause such havoc, I did. And whoa, do I regret it. I feel bad for saying what I said. If I could put my whole foot in my mouth, I would, and then I would give my foot to the offended. But all I can really offer is an "I'm sorry."
Sadly, though, I received some really painful, cruel, and extremely hurtful insults that weren't expected. You know, the kind of insults that would make someone want to crawl into a dark hole and never come out. Basically, I feel like I poked someone with a sharp pin, and they turned around and stabbed me with 1000 knives. ouch.
So this past week had the potential to be really hard for me (as well as the offended, of course). It had the potential to force me to build walls up around myself of sadness, and anger. There were moments when I would ruminate those insults in my head, and feel those painful words cut me deeply again. I would start to stress out, and beat up on myself, thinking," You wretched, mean person, why can't you keep your mouth shut! Look what trouble you caused!"
But, right when I'd start to feel really bad about it all, there came people from my neighborhood and community bursting into my life, overflowing me with happiness and goodness!
People seemed to come out of nowhere, reminding me with their big smiles and positive energies that it's okay that people like me make mistakes, that people are forgiven, and that people can still strive towards goodness. After all, this is Puna, where people come to change, and find happiness.
This morning I took the boys on a long walk down our street. As I was beginning to put all these thoughts together in my head, I started to second-guess myself, like maybe I have been over-exaggerating the uncanny-ness of all these happy encounters.
But then a neighbor I had never before seen or met came bursting out of her front door to introduce herself and give my kids chocolate mochi. Her happy smile lightened up my morning and validated my story. So, yes, God and the universe are trying to tell me something.
I am trying to look at myself honestly, I really am. I am trying to remove the negativity from my mind, which allows me to ruminate on negative thoughts, and allows me to feel overwhelmed and stressed at times. And especially, the negativity which allows me to hurt those around me.
I am determined to bombard any negativity with goodness, making room for the positive changes I need in my life.
If I have ever offended you, I am sorry.
If it helps, just think of me in Puna, bursting with goodness and positive energy, making the changes I need to stay happy, and maybe you'll forgive me.