Saturday, February 16, 2013

This n' That

It's been awhile since I've just blogged about this and that. Lately I've been sitting down at the table with the boys and having "free writing" sessions, where I tell them to just write down whatever comes to their minds. It gives me a chance to write in my paper journal, updating all the funny things the boys say, as well as jot down my deep personal thoughts. Yesterday at free write Odin drew a picture of a Food Guide Pyramid, which was basically a bunch of boxes with fruit inside, and Zadok wrote 3 pages about his latest love of all things Yu-Gi-Oh. (That's 3 pages, with letters 1 inch high and one inch wide, haha) Jonah's idea of free write was hogging all the pens to himself and then squiggling colorful circles that go,"Round and round! Round and round!"
 I sure love my boys and  I love spending time with them.

Things are just going so awesome lately, and I am happy as can be. I am happy with living in Hilo, I am happy with homeschooling our kids, I am happy with all the wonderful friends we've made, I am happy with our little house we live in, I am happy with all the fun activities we plan and have planned, I am happy with my volunteer work with La Leche League, I am happy with our ward callings and church service, I am happy with my wonderful husband, and I am happy with the direction we are going in life. I feel peace and balance in my life like never before, and it's a good feeling. It's a feeling I've worked very hard for.

There's always room for improvement, however, and I admit there's moments when things start to crash and feel out-of-control. Those are usually the moments where I've realized that I've been going too busy and overworking myself to the point of exhaustion  That's when I have to STOP, wipe everything off of our calendars, and just focus on doing the minimal, like snuggling in bed longer instead of doing chores, wearing pajamas all day instead of getting out the door, or ordering pizza instead of making dinner. I like those days, but they don't happen very often. We have a routine each day that keeps us grounded, and keeps me focused as a mom. We wake up and eat breakfast, say family and personal prayers, brush teeth, get dressed, do chores, have morning scripture devotional, give hugs and kisses, and then depending on the day we either go to Keiki Steps, or play kickball, or go on a field trip  or make plans with friends, or stay home and do projects.. Today it was raining so hard, we met some friends at the bouncy store at the mall. The boys bounced their little hearts out and it was so much fun!
I like having the flexibility in our lives to do what we need to do when we need to do it. As a homeschooling family we don't ever have to rush out the door during the day, and I'm a happier person because of it.

My other latest goal is to lose weight. I know, I know this sounds so cliche, but hear me out. I've also worked very hard in my life to be at a place where I am comfortable with my size and weight, and not obsessing over it like in days past. For those who know my personal history, I have really struggled with feeling confident with my body, and not using food as a way to feel control over my emotions. Food addictions and eating disorders can take many forms, and one form is to use food to numb one self's emotions, or to mask the internal pain you are feeling. For example, constantly obsessing over health food, or constantly obsessing over calories, or restricting foods, to compensate for hurt feelings. Another way is to use diet and exercise as a way to feel control in your life. For example over-exercising to the point of exhaustion each day, obsessing over your next diet, or binging and then purging, all to make yourself feel confident and in-control of your life.
 In a food addicts mind, when you feel thin, you feel happy and in control, and nothing can hurt you. These two food myths/obsessions can overtake your mind and trick you into a constant obsession over your body. Believe me, I've been there, and it's not fun. Being in a constant state of obsession leads to depression, anxiety, and overwhelming feelings of failure when you don't meet your expectations. You feel nothing but out-of-control and unhappy most of the time, and no amount of food or exercise can cure that pain. Believe me, I've been there, and it's not fun.
I'm not really here to tell anyone how to overcome this vicious cycle, but I wanted to say that it's possible. My personal journey to healing came in 2002 when I finally couldn't stand myself anymore and sought help. I was depressed, sick, and feeling suicidal, and finally realized I couldn't do life on my own. So, I got counseling in many different forms. Professional counseling was one of the the best things that happened to me, along with working at an eating disorder treatment center. I know, I know, they never would've hired me if they knew I was so ill, but I felt in my heart of hearts that I could cure myself through helping other people. I ended up working with eating disorder patients for a year, while also receiving vicarious therapy. It was a win-win situation and a life-changing journey for me. It was at this facility that I learned to trust my instincts and eat intuitively, and to not obsess over "good" or "bad" foods. I learned to eat when I was hungry, weather it was a piece of cake or a salad,  and how to  listen closely to my emotional state of being. I learned how to forgive those that hurt me, and how to overcome feelings of self-doubt and fear. I also learned to pray more fervently, and depend wholeheartedly on God to help heal me.
It's been almost 10 years since that huge, trans-formative experience. I can't say my life is perfect, or that I don't struggle some days, but I can say that  I know how to overcome, when life gets hard. In other words, I know how to get myself out of the deep, dark, pits of despair when they happen.

So back to my whole point--haha! I really want to lose about 25 pounds right now, not because I want to obsess over my body or feel in control of my chaotic life, but because I want to make a conscious effort to eat healthier, feel lighter, and have the energy I need to care for myself and children. I put on 8 pounds of sweets over the holidays and it doesn't feel good. I feel tired,  heavy, and unmotivated, having this extra weight on me. I don't regret all the delicious holiday treats I gorged myself on, but it's time I say adios, excess fatty tissues. I don't like it when I run and my knees hurt, I don't like it that it takes me too long to get up on my surfboard (to the point where I crash because I missed the drop-in), and I don't like it that I get tired when I chase my kids around the yard. I want to be stronger, fitter, and healthier than this, and for this reason I'd like to lose weight. For this reason I'd like to ask people to keep from giving me "skinny", or weight loss compliments, if you notice I've dropped some pounds. Please don't do it. If you need a reminder why, please read this post here. Although you may mean well, those comments do nothing for me. Thanks a jillion for your support.

Last on my This n' That post is some gratitude!
 I am grateful for my husband. He is amazing and smart and kind and good, and I don't often give him enough credit. I love this man so very much and am grateful for his constant, good influence in my life. I am grateful for my boys. Each one of them is so precious to me. When I go into their rooms at night after they've fallen asleep, I like to kiss their little cheeks and thank my Heavenly Father for giving me these angel babies to raise. I love them so much.
I am grateful for Jesus and his constant companionship in my life. He is always right here next to me when I need Him, and even when I don't. He never leaves my side and I love my Heavenly brother dearly. I am grateful for this beautiful, dynamic earth we live on. I am blown away each day by the beauty all around me, as I get out and enjoy nature with my family. I really love being outside, and I'm grateful to live in Hawaii, where I can be outside all year long.

Well, that's it for my This n That! Aloha for now, my lovely friends, and have a wonderful day!

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