There is a book inside me that wants to come out now. "Why now?" I keep asking myself over and over again. Why now when I am a busy mother of 3 children and homeschooling, running a household, carrying callings, meeting deadlines, and nursing a toddler? Why now in the midst of my crazy, wonderful life do I feel compelled to follow through with this ginormous dream of mine? It doesn't seem to fit, yet here it is staring me in the face, not wanting to go away.
My husband is worried about me. In the past month since I decided to write more intensely, my mind has been wandering dangerously back and forth between realms of reality and dreamy book-land. Because of the powerful distraction my creative mind has been causing me I nearly burnt the house down and ruined my favorite pot. I also forgot to click my toddler into his car seat...twice, then I killed all eleven of my darling pet fish by accidental poison. I've locked myself out of the house several times (thank you spare key hiding outside), misplaced my keys more than I can count, and have forgotten to pay the electric bill on time.
I'm sure there's more, but I'll spare myself the humiliation.
In my daily prayers I fervently ask Father to help me to prioritize my life in a way that brings peace and balance to my daily living. Please help me to put the most important things first so that I can be rest assured that I am doing my best as a mother, a wife, and a servant of God," I humbly ask each day. When I am serving my family-when my children are happy and taken care of, is when I am the absolute happiest. I don't want anything to come in the way of that. So when this book started to emerge inside of me I pushed it away. I immediately scoffed at the idea of it, and asked God to please spare me from this idiotic notion. I figured it would disappear just like all the other grand ideas I've stumbled upon these past few years. Like the phase where I wanted to become a Master herbalist, or when I wanted to make and sell baby carriers, or the time I wanted to ditch our car and ride bikes everywhere, or when I decided that I could wake up early and work-out every morning and have the perfect body. Yeah right. None of the those things were ever going to happen, and thank goodness I followed my heart to let go of things that would only get in the way of my ability to live a balanced, happy life. There are so many amazing things to do in life, but we can't do them all. I've learned that in order to stay balanced, I have to pay close attention to that spiritual discernment inside of me, guiding me to follow the path that is right for me each day.
This book won't go away. There are stories to tell and words to write, and my mind is racing like mad to get it all down. My husband and I had a good talk about what is possible, and decided that I could do this if I follow a more disciplined schedule. To assure that I don't burn the house down or injure our children, I need to set aside specific writing times where I know I will get to write without any distractions. Then, when I emerge from that wonderful world and come back to this one, I have to let it all go and stay focused on reality. Focus. Focus. Focus. That's what I have to tell myself when I come back. Don't let my mind stray, don't go back to the book. The book will be there waiting where I left off. I love the advice in Natalie Goldberg's writing book, "Wild Mind, Living the Writer's Life" where she says,"We are not our writing. Our writing is a moment moving through us."
I have to let that moment move through me and then let it go.
I am a mother, I am homeschooling my children, I have a household to run, callings to hold, deadlines to meet, a toddler to nurse, and I am a writer.
This summer I am writing a book. My dream book. Maybe two people will read it or maybe two hundred thousand people will read it. It doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I fulfill this path of inspiration and follow my dream. What matters is that I learn how to balance and have control over what is possible in my life, and follow the steps to make it happen. It's going to be a long process, but one that I am truly excited about.
Wish me luck.
I'll keep you updated on my progress.