Thursday, November 28, 2013

Ready.

Week 6, a conversation between me and Odin:

Odin: How big is the baby today mom? 
Me: Oh, about the size of a large ant.
Does it have arms and legs yet?
Yes, they are starting to grow, but they don't really look like arms and legs yet.
How big will it be when it comes out?
Hmmm, about the size of your blue stuffed bear!
But how does it come out of you? Does it just pop out of your belly?
No, it comes out through a tunnel and then out of a hole in my vagina.
But isn't your vagina small?
Yes, but when it's time for the baby to come out it stretches REALLY big.
Whoa. That must hurt, mom...... I'm really glad I'm not a lady!
Well, it does hurt, but someday you might have a wife who has a baby come out of her, and then you can help her and be there for her. 
Okay, Mom. (smiling)

This sweet conversation I had with my five year old (Odin) keeps lingering in my mind. I'm holding it safe within me to remember on the hard days, to remind me how precious and important these little teaching moments are, even when I feeling super yucky and nauseous. After all, they are part of the process; part of the whole learning and growing experience of bringing another baby into our family. The boys will be learning a lot more this time around, as they are much older and can understand it all better. 

I am excited for them to ask all these questions and I'm excited to answer them, step by step, week by week, month by month, until the moment our baby comes into my arms.
We're planning another home-birth. 
I feel most comfortable this way. 
We had our first baby vaginally and naturally in a hospital with a midwife, but after that we couldn't imagine going back there. It just didn't seem to match our vision of how things should have been. Our next child gave us a chance to have the kind of birth we truly wanted; peaceful, empowering, comfortable, in the quiet of our own home. Then our third child came and proved once again how lovely the home-birth experience could be. True it was a hard, painful birth for me, but worth every moment to have that intimate, personal experience of giving birth in the comfort of my living room with the people I love most. 

So, I am excited again for the time of the birth to come, to experience, once again, the raw, natural power within me to give life to a human being. It will be four years since I last pushed a baby out; four years which I've had time to heal and overcome the effects of the last birth, four years to prepare myself for another eventful labor.
 Birth has never been an easy thing for me, but it is something I embrace, look forward to, and am mentally and physically preparing for once again.
The best part being, of course, to be able to hold that squishy, little baby I've been dreaming of.

We've been dreaming of. 

Micah is just as excited as I am. We weren't sure for awhile if we wanted to do this right now, seriously questioning our mental sanity to handle it all so soon after moving here, but it seemed the more we argued against it, the more powerful the feelings came.......The more I thought about enjoying the freedom and mobility of having older children, of not being tied down to a newborn, of being more autonomous in my life as an adult, the more I yearned for that tiny baby in my arms.  
This baby is ready to come to our family, and we couldn't ignore it any longer.

So basically we had sex and got pregnant the first time we tried. 
I am seven weeks along.
I am sick most days, and really queasy. I'm eating like a starving person ,and ballooning up like a Thanksgiving Day parade float.
Sometimes I start to get down on myself. I have to fight hard against the negative mind and push it away fast. The negative mind tells me that I'm going to be fat and miserable my entire pregnancy. The negative mind wants me to feel out-of-control and anxious about my body. It wants me to feel bad about myself and doubt myself, and question my ability to have another baby and be a good mother to four children.
But I won't let it take over. I refuse. I am putting my trust in God.
I know that He will help me, He will guide me, and He will  remind me constantly of my self-worth, my ability, my power, and my confidence in doing the things that are hard. (Even when I am feeling so yucky and sicky and can do nothing but lay there miserably.) The trick is allowing Him in.

So, this summer we will have a fourth child. Whoa! 
I am thankful today for my husband, my family, my life, and the new life on it's way.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Wishing you all the happiness in the world.
A sneak peak into 8 months from now: pregnant with Jonah, July 2010.

2 comments:

arianne said...

Yay! What a wonderful announcement! I admire your bravery. Every child is such a leap of faith. You are a wonderful mother. This baby is lucky. God will increase your capacity to handle another child. I know it. Hugs!

Sally Jackson said...

Thank you ARianne!! You always have all the right things to say. Love ya!