This week makes 12 weeks pregnant.
And no, it is not going by fast! ha! Maybe for the outside world, but definitely not for me.In fact, ever since I got pregnant it seems my life has been going in super-slow motion.
I wake up sometime between 8am and 9am. I lie there for quite sometime thinking about getting up but not really wanting to. My mind usually goes back to what I dreamt about last night. Hawaii again. Every night I dream about Hawaii. Sometimes I dream I am surfing or swimming, although these dreams are not always pretty dreams of rainbows and dolphins--sometimes they are ugly dreams of tsunamis, heartbreak, and destruction. One night I dreamt that our old house on Kamehameha Hwy was swept away by a giant wave, our entire family with it! So depending on the dream, I either wake up grateful to be safe in Utah with my children, or longing to be at the ocean-I never know which one it will be. Pregnancy is messing with me.
My kids are pretty awesome at waiting for me to get up. Zadok wakes up first, usually around 6am and turns on Netflix cartoons. Then his younger brother Odin gets up around 7am and joins him. Last comes our little three year old Jonah tot who rolls out of bed at 7:30 or 8am to excitedly let the cats out of the laundry room then watch cartoons with his brothers. I am grateful for these boys, for I need my sleep to function. I can hear their little voices laughing and playing in the other room while I snuggle with my pillow. When they finally get hungry enough they come into my room, pile onto the bed, pry my eyes open, and force me into the kitchen. "Okay, okay, I'm up!" I say.
I slowly shuffle out there, where we either make waffles, or scramble some eggs, or eat cold cereal, which seems to take up the bulk of the entire morning!
My house is a mess. "I am half the woman I used to be!," I cry to my husband one day. I just don't have the energy to take care of simple things like I did before. Remember when the bathrooms used to be clean? And the floors were swept? And I fed my children healthy meals? He chuckled lovingly and got up and swept the floor. We have different standards for tidiness, yet he knows by now when I have reached my breaking point, and require intervention. Thanks, honey. Wipe down the counters why yer at it, eh?
When I'm pregnant everything is harder. Everything takes more work and more energy that I just don't have. Getting up in the morning is harder. Making food is harder. Getting dressed, cleaning up, playing games, and going outside is harder. I seem to be moving through the world like a tired, old sloth, with no desire to do anything but sit in my nest and stare at the wall. That's actually when I feel really good. I just sit there and watch my children play, and try not to think how tired or sick I feel, and then feel somewhat awesome inside.
There's a lot I don't do right now, simply because I can't, nor can I find the energy to.
I don't make daily lists anymore or give myself extra things to do. I don't dream of all the things I want to accomplish and make goals and plans in my journal. I don't sew, or bake, or craft, or plan my future-dream- etsy shop. I don't exercise much, or do Zumba like I thought I would. I don't blog much, or write much, or call or email everyone back immediately. I don't plan fancy singing time lessons, or write out homeschool plans for the boys.
I let the dishes go for days, step over the Legos, and may never make my bed again.
I can only do what I can do right now, and it isn't much. It may sound depressing, and I admit some days I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, but with this pregnancy has also come further introspection on what it means to me to be a mother:
I've realized how wonderful and valuable it is to simply be here and be present with my children, no matter how I look or feel. These boys of mine love me and need me no matter what condition I'm in. They don't care that my pants have gone from a size 10 to a size 14 in under 3 months . They don't mind when I sit on the couch for hours at a time eating buttery popcorn and watching movies with them. They don't even seem to mind that I've taken a break from planning crafts or reading stories. And they certainly haven't questioned why I haven't been pushing the chores as of lately! They are happy, optimistic, and so excited for this baby to come! They love spending time with me, no matter what state I'm in. Their enthusiasm and love for me is inspiring.
My family is the most important thing in the world to me, and it is more than enough right now. This baby is more than enough, and I'm learning to enjoy life in slo-mo.
Daily struggle to drink water, had to flavor it with powders or liquid flavor enhancers.
Voracious appetite: eating every 1-2 hours, in large quantities.
Craving savory, salty, greasy foods, like french fries, flaming hot Cheetos, and Beer-battered fish tacos.
Drinking 8-16 ounces of cows milk a day (rarely ever drank milk before)
Feel sick when my stomach is empty.
Feel sick after a bowel movement.
Feel sick when I have gas.
Feel sick if anyone touches me or bounces on the bed next to me.
Extreme sensitivity to odors like wet puppies, shi-shi, and cooking meat. (blech)
Rapid, thumping heartbeat that leads to insomnia.
Zero desire to exercise or go for walks.
Fatigue and overwhelming exhaustion, especially after 3pm.
Raging hormones: happy one day, depressed the next.
Short tempered. (although I've been truly trying to hold it in!!)
I am happy to report, however, that all of these symptoms are getting better! I am entering my 2nd trimester and feeling more optimistic about this pregnancy! I can feel my energy returning, my moods leveling out, and my appetite returning to normal.
This pregnancy is very much like all the others, so far, though I don't think it's a prediction of gender! (I'm still thinking GIRL!) The only huge difference with this pregnancy is that I am in a better place emotionally. I am happier, more at peace with my life, and more in tune with God's will for me. My husband and I are also stronger together, and more spiritually and emotionally in tune with each other. It has made a huge difference in how I feel about myself, my pregnancy, and the future of our family. There's a lot of love happening here, which makes being a sick, exhausted, pregnant woman A-OK!