Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Insomnia and 6 thoughts

One thing I remember about being pregnant is the night wakings. Anywhere between 12am and 4am I suddenly wake up and can't go back to sleep. I call it my pregnancy insomnia. It's usually accompanied by hunger pains, which is why I am sitting here eating an egg salad sandwich with a glass of milk at 1 o'clock in the morning.

The house is quiet, which is nice, but I'd rather be sleeping. However, since I can't go to sleep and I haven't finished my sandwich, I'll jot down some thoughts instead. I don't have anything worth an entire blog post, just little things here and there on my mind.

I finished  the third chapter of my book. I've been working on it for months. I have about 9 more chapters to go til I'm finished. It's been interesting to watch my own writing enfold, and to find my own voice and style. I realized without a doubt in my mind that I don't do metaphors. They don't come naturally and they don't flow for me. If I attempt a metaphor it is cheap and forced, so I've stopped trying, just like a fledgling who falls from the nest, I've given up on flying. (get it?)
 I've been working harder at not using so many frivolous adjectives, as well as working on the overall flow of the storyline. I was up til 1:30am last night editing and re-editing my chapters until I got all the paragraphs in the right order! (Not just a bunch of jumbled thoughts.) I suppose my next step would be to have someone read it and help edit it more. Not sure how or who will do that. I tried contacting a writers group here in town and even went to one of their meetings. I was the only one there. Typical small town response.
Anyways, my book is a compilation of stories about growing up in Hawaii. Not a personal history, per say, but stories that are full of life lessons and growth experiences that have molded and impacted my life. It also encompasses the enchanted beauty and sacredness that is Hawaii, and the many things I love about the islands. It's been a lot of fun to write.
I'm really looking forward to finding out the gender of this baby. My midwife has a contact with an ultrasound tech who comes up once a month from Vegas, so sometimes next month we'll go in for an ultrasound down in St. George. We didn't find out with our last two, but I'm more than ready to know this time around. I really wished I had found out with my last pregnancy just because I had so much anxiety about it. I don't know why. I was happy that I got a boy either way, but throughout my pregnancy it was all I could think about-weather or not I was having a boy or girl. I was kind of obsessed with it, and it caused me a lot of stress. This time around I want to know. I want to be ready and prepared mentally for whatever gender she is.

My eldest son is changing a lot. He's basically becoming older, which means his needs are rapidly changing. I've found that older is harder for me. It's way easier for me to greet the days problems by pulling out puzzles and toys and dancing around the house to Abba Gold. This doesn't work for older kids. They have problems and emotions that can't be solved that way. Darnit
Zadok is such an amazing kid-- so smart, so funny, and so intelligent. Yet, I'm finding that he's not happy at home all day with his little brothers and mom. He's getting antsy and bored with the little kid stuff. Him and his 5 yr old brother are best friends, but lately Zadok has been needing breaks from him. BIG breaks.  I'm trying to provide Zadok with challenges and opportunities, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me to do it all. I need other parental help. I wish there was some type of homeschool co-op we could join, but once again, small town opportunities aren't always available. Today I'll be looking into sending him to a part-time private school for homeschooled kids. He'll be away 3 days a week for 4 hours a day, and might be just the challenge, opportunities, and space we are looking for. Keep Zadok in your prayers. He's going to need them.
A quote I read recently that has stayed with me as I've been pondering on the importance of investing my life for my family's future:
We are building for the centuries. We are building character, and tradition, and values, which meander like a river into the distance and out of our sight, but on and on and on. [Motherhood] is a way of life, chosen in great ignorance and the bedrock of much of what we are, and will become.” Anne Quindlen
Sometimes when I'm in the trenches of the hard mommy stuff it's difficult to remember that everything I'm doing has an impact, even for generations to come. What I am doing now as a mother has the power to influence my children and even my grandchildren. My family is my greatest investment. It is hard, it takes loads of mental, physical, and emotional strain, but it is worth it. It is worth it to raise good people and send them out into this world happy, healthy, and prepared. I'm not sure if I can call motherhood a sacrifice. It feels  more like a journey.

I stepped on a rusty nail yesterday. It went right through my shoe into the middle of my foot. It happened in the old shed behind our house...... the shed I told the kids to stay out of because of all the rusty nails. I am having some trouble walking but other than that, I think it's going to be fine. I realized, though, that my last tetanus shot was 13 years ago. I've decided to go in to the public health department and get a tetanus shot today, for safety's sake.  Tetanus has no certain treatment, and vaccinating against it is the only precaution besides crossing your fingers that the tetanus bacteria doesn't enter my puncture wound.
The boy's reactions to me stepping on the nail were pretty comical:
Jonah- "If I walked in the shed that would never happen to me because I have my super-power-super-hero-belt on!"
Odin- "Well, at least it's only one foot, mom!"
Zadok- "Don't tell me! I don't want to see the nail! Ew! Yuck! Gosh! Man! Gross!"
Micah- "I jumped on a nail once in the Philippines. Stepping on nails sucks but it happens to everyone at some point."

Thanks guys. So much empathy and compassion. hahaha.

I found my first white hairs over Thanksgiving and plucked them all out. It's kind of freaking me out. I turn 35 next week and have never dyed my hair in all my life. What do I do if more white hairs come? I'm not ready to grow old and change, yet. I don't even have a grandchild! Any solutions? Should I go officially brunette?

Well, Zadok just got up and came out to the living room. I told him to get back to bed because it's not time to get up, yet. 
"It's 1 in the morning, kiddo. Go back to sleep!" I said.
"No it's not, Mom. It's 6:10am. Your watch is wrong again."
Haha. So it was. I should have looked at the computer clock. I'm kind of disappointed as I was hoping to slip back into bed for another 4-5 hours sleep. I guess I'm not having pregnancy insomnia tonight, afterall. 
But I'm glad I thought I was, and glad I got to write down these 6 thoughts.

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