Thursday, April 10, 2014

Restoring Energy (and back again)

My children fill me up with so much joy, that there are moments when I cry just looking at them. I wonder at how God so generously gave me these amazing, precious souls to raise and to love. Their automatic, unconditional love for me blows me away to uncomprehension! Without even questioning it, or wondering what else might be out there, they love me unconditionally with all their hearts. As a mother the ups and downs of my energy tremendously vary from energetic, calm, and optimistic, to completely depleted, chaotic, and overwhelmed. Yet even on the days when my vessel has been depleted, and my energy has drained from my mind, body, and soul--they still adore me and look to me for love and validation in all they do. 
This, I think, is one of the greatest gifts about children, and families, and the intricate design of God's plan for us, because as a mother I am a continuous flowing fountain of love for my children even when I am completely drained of good feelings. I know the love is still there. I suppose our mutual love will always be there, no matter what.

When I feel drained beyond reason, I know it's time to recharge myself. I always hate it when I let it go past what I can bear, but sometimes I can't help it. Life is so busy and full of  daily challenges, that I don't realize how drained I am becoming until it hits me hard.

This past Tuesday evening I attended a yoga session specifically for women. I wanted something that would help me not only prepare for childbirth through stretching and toning my muscles, but also a way to bond and connect with other women in my community. There were five other women there, one other pregnant mama like me. The yoga studio was beautifully decorated like an enchanted temple in India, or a jungle yoga retreat in Hawaii, in every way designed to relax, and refresh a tired soul like mine. I felt right at home there.  
We started off by doing some simple meditations and chants, where we sat quietly, legs crossed, jnana mudra fingers in place. The room was darkly lit, with shadows bouncing off the walls from the flickering lights. The aromatherapy from the oils was powerfully fragrant, and relaxing to my entire body. The music was soft, soothing, and melodic. The yoga teacher's voice was full of warmth and knowledge. Everything in that room was inviting me to relax, to let go, and to fill my energy back up to full again. 
As we started our second chant I realized how precious this time was for me to be still. Rarely am I ever still. My body is in a constant state of  walking, getting, clicking, scanning, retrieving, stirring, flipping, climbing, stooping, lifting, bending, etc, etc. It's no wonder when I lie in bed at night that I literally melt into my mattress and fall asleep even sometimes while my husband is still talking to me. Sitting there in meditation pose, letting the aura of that room fill every crevice of my soul, I realized that I needed to slow down. Big time. I knew I  needed to let go of anything extra (besides my family) that demanded too much of my energy. I needed to slow down, let go, and surrender to the hardness of my pregnancy and the challenges of life right now. 
The power of that meditation sent me through an intense emotional release. I sat there and cried, letting the tears fall down my cheeks to floor, freely. I felt a powerful connection to God, and His love for me. I knew that He was with me in that room, telling me I could go on--that I could do all these hard things still ahead. All I had to do was surrender and let go, and keep filling my energy back up when I need to. I went home feeling refreshed, recharged, and ready to give all my love to my family.

Ironically, the next morning (yesterday morning) I woke up with a terrible virus, which is giving me headaches, chills, an aching, sore body, a sore throat, and a deep, bronchial cough that sends my body into shaking fits. Ironically, I am depleted of energy again, and feeling that tremendous fluctuation of highs and lows once more.
 But I am grateful. And I see the blessings beneath the chaos in all of this. I am grateful for a husband who stayed home to take care of the children, grateful for an active, healthy baby inside my womb, and grateful for three loving children who love me even when I'm at my worst....again.

My goal is to keep filling my energy back up again-to keep pushing forward, even when I keep getting knocked down.  
Fourteen more weeks to go til I get to meet our little baby boy. (give or take 2 weeks in either direction.)

Sending love and light to all those who may be going through the toughest of ups and downs, as well. May you find ways to keep filling back up and pushing onward. :)

A few pictures from the latest, most joyful times:
First Zadok's baptism: My firstborn baby boy was baptized on March 29. One moment he was a baby in my arms, the next moment he's making this huge, grown-up decision to make life-long covenants with Jesus Christ. I am so proud of him and his mature, righteous example. His baptism was spiritual, and powerful, and wonderful in every way.
Our little Odin had a birthday. He turned six! We took him to his favorite place to hop over rocks and feel on top of the world!
And here he is at Kindergarten, being honored and celebrated for his birthday! 
And this is our loving cat, Cotton Candy, who will make sure to love you and groom you long after you've gone to sleep. 
 The end.

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