I was digging through some boxes in storage today when I stumbled upon our home-birth kit. When you're planning to give birth at home there are certain supplies you need to have on hand, such a sterile gloves, cord clamps, and a fishing net (the fishing net is for a water birth if you can imagine why.) We weren't able to use some of our supplies because of my hospital transfer, so they've been sitting in my storage closet ever since.
I also found an empty birth certificate that is usually filled out by the midwife and an ink pad for taking prints of baby's little, newborn feet.
I got sad for a moment imagining again how things could have turned out had the baby's head not turned onto my nerve like it did. I pictured us all relaxing at home while my midwife weighed the baby with a homemade midwife's scale, and then stamped his tiny footprints in ink and then onto the paper. sigh. Now I'll have to stamp our baby's big, 3 month old feet, which will add to the depth of the story, I suppose.
With every hard experience there is always the retrospection to look forward to- the moments when you get to look back and see all the blessings and meanings behind everything hard that happened to you.
One blessing I haven't mentioned before is how several weeks before I went into labor my husband and I applied for medical insurance through our state government. We didn't think we would qualify but thought we'd try anyways to help with medical bills for after the baby was born. Our midwife fees were already paid for in cash, so we were covered for the delivery at home, but to our surprise we ended up qualifying, and were granted with 100% coverage of any medical bills for up to one month before baby was born and up to 3 months afterward. You can imagine what a blessing this was when we got the big bill for my hospital stay plus epidural. It was a humungous blessing that we didn't have to go into debt over this.
Another healing experience I had was when I realized that I had been preparing myself for this hospital transfer all along:
Several months before I went into labor I had gone through a rough patch in my pregnancy where I decided I wasn't going to homebirth anymore. I began to fear the pain from my last homebirth, and began to second-guess my ability to birth without medication. I wanted to look into birthing in a hospital with an epidural instead, which is something I've never done. So, one of the first things I did during this emotional crisis was call one of my best friends who recently had an epidural birth. We talked on the phone for a long time as she explained everything about epidurals-The risks, the benefits, the insertion process, the side-effects, the after-effects, and anything else she could think of. It was a very informative, enlightening conversation! However, I cancelled that epidural plan and obviously decided birthing at home was best afterall. However, when I found myself lying in that hospital bed on epidural medication, I felt extremely confident because I knew everything about epidurals. When my body started shaking uncontrollably and I could no longer feel my legs, I wasn't scared because my friend already told me this would happen.
Lastly, several times in my pregnancy I had dreams of pushing my baby out, weather in day-dreams or real dreams, it didn't matter; whenever I envisioned our baby coming out I was in a large room in a hospital. There were people surrounding me and I could see my baby's small head emerging, full of dark, brown hair. A doctor sat at the foot of my bed waiting to catch my baby's little, newborn body. Then the dream was over.
I pushed these visions away because I knew I needed to envision how I wanted my birth to be, not this other scenario. So instead I would try to picture pushing the baby out in the birthing tub at home. I eventually pushed these other hospital images out of my mind until I was solely focused on the water birth.
It wasn't until weeks after the birth of baby Malachi that I was finally emotionally stable enough to look at the birth pictures my friend Jillian took. When I got to the photos from the hospital I started crying. The images in front of me were the exact ones from my dreams: The same room, the same layout, the same people, the same dark, brown hair emerging.
This birth was a beautiful reminder that life is full of meaningful experiences, not just coincidental accidents. There is a thread woven throughout all of our life experiences, binding together what we need for divine growth, and enlightened understanding. I truly believe that baby Malachi was going to be born in that hospital no matter what I might have done. This was our destiny and our blessing.
I wrote a letter to our local newspaper to express my gratitude for the hospital's respectful treatment of me and my birth team. They published it in the "Letter to the Editor" section.
I feel that there can be a lot of misunderstanding and animosity between the home-birthing and hospital-birthing professionals in many communities. My letter was also a wish to express a need to bring together our communities in purpose, tolerance, and appreciation for the good intentions we all have in bringing baby's safely into this world. I still get a lot of positive comments from people around town for writing this letter. Let's just say, I felt inspired!
I am also extremely really grateful for all the people that helped and supported our family for this birth. And every single day I am so grateful and in love with baby Malachi.
Feel free to read my letter below or click on the link for the newspaper version.
Appreciation for Valley View Labor and Delivery:
To the Editor:
I was recently a patient at Valley View Medical Center. I transferred to the hospital because of unexpected, severe and debilitating nerve pain during the end of my labor.
For this birth, my husband and I had been anticipating a peaceful home delivery with our home-birth midwife, DyAnna Gordon, CPM. We had previously delivered two of our other children at home with a professional midwife, and were looking forward to a similar experience with this one.
However, the type of nerve pain I began experiencing is uncommon for a normal labor and delivery, which is why I chose to seek pain relief from the nearby hospital, instead of continuing to birth at home. With the full support of my midwife, my husband and my home-birth support team, we made an unexpected arrival at the medical center late Saturday evening, July 19.
Today I wanted to express my sincere and heartfelt gratitude to the staff at Valley View Medical Center for their kind and helpful approach to my unique situation. Their level of care and concern for my comfort and safety was over and beyond what I expected.
The nurses and doctors treated us all with friendliness and respect, as they swiftly moved toward relieving me of the excruciating pain I was in. Shortly after, I was able to give birth to a beautiful, healthy, 10-pound baby boy!
An extra special thank you goes out to Doctor Travis J. Bilanzich, DO, Shawn Kinross, CRNA and Amber Morris, RN. These individuals in particular took extra special good care of me, helping to make my birth experience at the hospital a joyful and happy ending. Thank you for doing what you do so well!
With hundreds of expectant mothers birthing at home in Southern Utah each year, there’s rarely, but occasionally, times when relief or intervention is sought from a local hospital. It’s comforting for me to know that our Cedar City hospital is willing and ready to help in the event that there is an emergency in these unique situations.
I think it’s wonderful to see our home-birth professionals and hospital-birthing professionals working together harmoniously to bring our children safely into the world. I hope that this feeling of friendliness and mutual respect in our community can be passed on for generations of babies to come.