Then one day after a month and 1/2, he just didn't want to go anymore. He started saying things like,"School makes me too sick." or "When I go to school I run out of too much energy." Pretty soon I was having to bribe him to go, offering special treats when I picked him up like mango smoothies and suckers. But that wasn't working either. It was beginning to stress me out until I realized that it didn't matter anymore if he went or not. He was only four years old. If he wanted to be home with is mother, so be it.
I admit I was upset at first. This arrangement was something I had really hoped would work out. One day while he was at pre-school I remember running down the bike path with the baby jogger, wind in my hair, and feeling a joyous freedom come over me! I felt so blessed to have this time to myself!
But, it's all done now so I have to move on. Instead of wallowing in my disappointment, I had to shift my paradigm a bit, re-do my daily routine, buy a double jogging stroller, and find the positive in this new arrangement. (It's been three weeks now and I've found the positive.)
First of all I had been constantly rushed. I had been hurrying to get Odin and Jonah out the door at 9am to drop them off at their schools, then rushing back home to quickly nurse the baby, read scriptures, go jogging, work on stuff with Zadok, then try to squeeze in some extra "me-time" before I had to go pick Jonah up again at 11:30am. I was married to my watch, which is someone I never like to be.
Secondly, I realized that Jonah and I needed more time together, not less time. I had thought that daily pre-school would be a good way for him to get some extra attention while I was preoccupied with the new baby, but I was wrong because he just needed me: To sit on the floor with him. To play with him. To build marble runs and set up the train set with him. To make lunch together and dance in the kitchen with him. To color pictures, cuddle, read books, and watch Dinosaur Train together. To give him as much attention as I gave my older two children when they were his age.
I realized that just because he was willing to go to pre-school, didn't mean it was the right thing for him to do. So once he decided he was completely done going, I knew it was because he needed more attention from me, more than he needed attention from pre-school. And I needed him, too. We've been bonding more, and through our time spent together I am learning to be more patient, more understanding, and more receptive to his needs. He is a headstrong, contradictory, and often honoree child, but the more we hang out together, the more I can see the positive sides of his tough personality. He needed his Mama to see him in a better light. Don't we all?
We also had to ditch the third grade K12 home school program for Zadok. It was waaaaaay too demanding, overly structured, and stressful on all of us. The daily schedule didn't match our family's learning style, and was giving us all an unhealthy dose of anxiety. Fortunately I was able to send all the curriculum and computer equipment back without any trouble, which was nice.
Now were back to un-schooling! Zadok is a natural learner and self-directs his own. Right now he's reading like crazy. He's finished the Percy Jackson series, is working on Harry Potter, and reads anything he can find on Dragons and Wizards. His Dad has him working on math everyday. I work on grammar and writing with him. Our daily exercise is hiking the dogs up the hills, or jogging our favorite bike path. Zadok likes being home. He likes to curl up on the couch and read a good book and hang out with his Mama. Nothing wrong with that. I feel really close with my Zadok boy and love spending this time with him.
Lastly, Odin the first grader still loves going to school! He's been using the word "mighty" a lot to describe things. Like, "I need to read this mighty book for my homework!" or "This dinner is mighty good!" I love his fun vocabulary and I also love that he loves going to school so much. He reminds me a lot of myself at this age. I couldn't wait to get out the door in the mornings to see all my friends and do my mighty school work.
*How long can I keep getting up every morning and driving Odin to school before I burn myself out? Will keeping Zadok home-schooled only exacerbate his shyness and anxiety or keep healing him from it? Will Jonah always be so contradictory? Will I kiss the ground on his first day of Kindergarten or miss him like crazy? Do I want to make goals to have them all home-schooled by next year or keep my mind open to sending them all to school? Will baby Malachi be my last baby? Do we want to try for a girl or have I reached my capacity?
Do I want to start thinking about making an extra income to pay off our debts? Can I handle the stress of work and family?
I honestly don't know what I/we/they want. I don't know what's best for everyone. I only seem to know what's best right now. I've been praying for some clarity but the only answer I get is:
Right now is working so just flow with it. Don't worry about what the future will bring because it will take care of itself.
So that's what I'm trying to do--be happy in the moment. Go with the flow.
I'm happy that I have a wonderful family that I love so much, happy that we have everything we need, and happy that each one of them is thriving in their current situation, right here, right now.