Tuesday, September 11, 2018

You are my Honolulu Moon

This night I had a dream I was back on the North Shore. I was with my best friend Crystal from high school and we were going surfing. We started out at one end of our small town and made our way all the way up the coast, surfing every break along the way until we were tired out.  Then we went and got our hair done at an outdoor gas station-turned-hair cutting-salon. Weird! The dream was very vivid, but the parts I remember the most was surfing my favorite surf breaks. 
First we paddled out at Freddy-land. Good old Freddy-land! The outside break at Velzyland was breaking 20+ feet bringing the most perfect 4-5 foot (Hawaiian) waves crashing into inside Freddys. I was catching waves going left and right and having the time of my life!  I looked over at Buttons Kaluhiokalani who threw me a shaka and a big smile as he was paddling back out after a set. Good old Freddy-land! The feeling out in the water was absolute freedom and uninhibited happiness as everyone hooted and hollered for each other to catch more waves. 
Next we moved on over to Sunset point where suddenly it was small and glassy, a perfect 2-3 feet break perfect for longboarding. I was catching these super long right-hand waves all the way into the deep blue channel of Sunset beach. It was glorious. I was all smiles everytime I paddled back out. Next we moved onto Kammie-land where it was bowling up for the most epic tube rides. Then onto Monster Mush where all our friends were out playing in the small, hamajang, wishy-washy waves. There was no competition or bad vibes-just fun waves all around, which was pretty typical of the Mush.
And down the line we went-Rocky Point with it's steep drops, Pupukeas with it's big, bubbly, lefts and rights, Ehukais with the shallow sandbar and crystal clear water...we skipped Pipe, Backdoor, and Log Cabbins for obvious reasons and went straight to Rubber Duckies! Oh how I miss Rubber Duckies, my old front-yard surf break! 
In high school I could peak out the front windows of the kitchen and see firsthand if it was good enough to ride that day. Sometimes I would go for an early morning-before-school-refreshing-surf. There was never anyone out because there were far better waves to ride, which made Rubber Duckies mine all mine, most of the time. 
The windows of our old Kam hwy house overlooking
Rubber Duckies. This is the newly re-modeled version
that sold for nearly $1,000,000,000.

There was a large rock under the water that used to mark the beginning of where the waves formed. I loved  how the gurgles of whitewash indicated a wave was coming my way. I'd paddle hard, stand up, and drop into an easy right. I could always see the round, brown rocks below before I pulled out at the end, careful not to hit the jagged, rocky shoreline. 
Next we ended up at mellow Piddleys for fun left-handers, then sharky Chuns for some long rights, then  Laniakeas where it was crowded, but  plenty of waves for everyone. The sea turtles were everywhere, munching on their seaweed and not being bothered by gawking tourists. 
I think the surfing parts of my dream stopped there. I wish we could've kept going down to Mokuleia because those "secret" spots were some of my favorite. Oh how I miss Glass Doors on a perfect, cloudless, sunny morning. 
I woke up feeling nostalgic and "homesick." I try not to miss Hawaii because it's not my home anymore and I'm busy over here raising a family, but the feelings are still there deep inside me whether I want them or not. I suppose that's why they resurface in my dreams. 
The ocean, surfing, beach culture, island life, Hawaii-life was part of my life for so long, it's hard not to recognize those parts of me that miss it terribly, that long for the ocean and the life that I once knew and loved.
But then reality sets in and I know that living on the North Shore is not realistic anymore. Prices are too high, real-estate is extreme, and the culture and vibe has changed drastically over time with more "mainland" values. But I still miss it, nonetheless. Why? Because Freddy-land and Kammi-land and Monster Mush and Pupukeas and Laniakeas and Glass Doors are still there, breaking and forming and breaking again with the endless ebb and flow of mother nature. Those things will never change and for them I shed a tear or two on nights like tonight.

Will that aching, longing feeling inside me for the ocean go away the longer I live in inland Utah? Maybe. Maybe not. 
My kids are growing up here in this beautiful valley. It is small and clean and safe. It feels predictable and sheltered from the rest of the world. There is wilderness all around us to explore. Sometimes I long for the unknown, the wild, the carefree, and the totally  inconsistent, but that's not how raising a family looks to me. Sure they will never look out their windows to see 20 foot waves crashing across the street, rattling the windows and shaking the ground beneath their feet. They will never experience the influx of tourists and surfers from all over the world gathering to their hometown to surf the biggest waves in the world. They will never speak pidgin, be immersed in diverse cultures, or have a best friend of Hawaiian-Filipino descent who pushes them to surf like a beast.
Yet, I know they will have a beautiful life here and that's all that matters. Perhaps in 25 years when they are old like me they won't have to experience the gut-wrenching longing for something far away and foreign because they will have everything that they need all around them. Family, friends, a home to come back to, and an endless environment of peace, love, and nurturing for themselves and their children. Or maybe something will take them far away from here and they will feel that same sort of longing for this place as I feel for my hawaii. Who knows. Life is interesting in that we never know where it might take us.

As for now I KNOW that I love my little family and love that we are all here together. My boys bring me joy and happiness beyond compare. My husband works hard to create a place where his family can grow and flourish. I have everything I need right here, right now, although having an ocean nearby would be handy at times. :)
I got real excited this past summer and started researching a surf trip to Costa Rica for spring break 2019. It's always been my dream to surf Costa Rica and with turning 40 this year I figured this would be a great year to do it. I called a few of my girlfriends who'd go with me, checked airline prices and surfing retreats, made lofty plans in my head of all the places we'd see and breaks we'd surf.......then reality set in because.....raising a family isn't cheap or easy. Medical bills are piling up for Odin's knees, our van needs fixing (or a new car entirely), we went into debt over my ptsd therapy, and the needs of our growing children never stop coming. So, I am putting Costa Rica on the back shelf for now and also remembering this beautiful poem by Anne Cambell that suits my mom-life perfectly:

“You are the trip I did not take, you are the pearls I could not buy,
you are my blue Italian lake, you are my piece of foreign sky.

You are my Honolulu moon, you are the book I did not write,
you are my heart's unuttered tune, you are a candle in my night.

You are the flower beneath the snow, in my dark sky a bit of blue,
answering disappointment's blow with "I am happy! I have you!”


― Anne Campbell



My big boys are getting so big!
Morning snuggles
My penguin asked me to drive him up to the big water tank so I did.
My favorite part of the day

Braces-free since June 4th. I got a permanent retainer put in both the top and bottom.


Jonah's baptism. Such a special day for our little JoJo.

Me and Micah my love, with a photobombing Odin.

Roadtripping this past summer. We got stuck in traffic for 2 hours outside of 106 degree Vegas with no AC.  Good times.









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